To the producer of the little squeeze pouches of food: First, let me say you are geniuses. Squeezies are a way of life in my home. Second, kale? These kids don’t have words much less an Instagram presence. And since Instagram is the only discernible reason anyone has for eating kale, squeezies do not need kale. No one actually likes kale, it’s just trendy so we eat it.
To the makers of high chairs: Have you ever seen a child eat? It is 1 part food in mouth, 9 parts food everywhere that is not mouth. I know you know this. Why the hell do you load your high chairs with tiny crevices, sharp angles, and needless holes in weird places? What did parents ever do to you? Food gets stuck in there and never, ever comes out. It’s a biohazard at this point. Please stop.
To the makers of those stupid popcorn ball walker toys: If I ever find your production facility, I will burn it to the ground.
To the designers of baby boy clothes: There are patterns other than stripes. Seriously, go look at the display section of your clothes at any store. It’s all fucking stripes, plaids (criss-crossy stripes), and then some stripes for variety. The girls' section is chock full of visually appealing patterns. #NoMoreStripes
To the designers of baby clothes in general: We need to talk. Real buttons on any piece of clothing sized for anything smaller than a 10-year-old are a form of cruel and unusual punishment. There are laws about this shit.
Additionally, tell me why my toddlers have pockets. They do not need pockets. Pockets are used by toddlers to store things they are not supposed to have like dog kibble, rocks, and bits of trash they found God knows where. If there are pockets to go around, send them up the line to the women’s division. Moms need pockets. Not toddlers.
Finally, if you put glitter on any part of your clothes, fuck you. One shirt gifted by an overzealous grandma escaped and made into the laundry. Now everything I own has a light coating of glitter. It’s never going to go away.
To YouTube creators of “sensory” videos: Ok, so this problem is partly my fault. I’ll admit this. I showed your weird, LSD trip videos to my kids in a moment of desperation. I needed to pee and I needed them to not help. Moving forward, could you not use weird remixes of kiddie songs? I am a grown adult and would prefer not to have the EDM version of Baa Baa Black Sheep on loop in my head. Try Top 40. Mo-town Hits. Anything. I’m going to have to hear it 3000 more times. The kids don’t care. Noises and color and songs that aren’t going to drive the accompanying adults insane, please.
To the makers of baby shoes: Please go look at a baby foot, any baby foot. See how it is shaped. Please make your shoes fit that shape. Because what you’ve got isn’t that.
To the makers of childproofing corner guards: You have precisely two levels of adhesive on your products. Either a slight breath within a yard or so will take it to clean off or my 15-year-old will be safely protected from the corner of that particular table. Let’s find some middle ground.
To the makers of sippy cups: The minute the words “Guaranteed Leak Proof Technology” lands on your packaging, my toddlers take it as a personal challenge to prove you wrong. The dollar-store sippies make no such claim and have yet to be a party to a spill. Go peek at their design. I wouldn’t be asking except your cups are really cute and the dollar store cups might be actually leak proof but they keep melting in the dishwasher. Please fix yours.
To the makers of children’s toys: Are you securing your toy into its packaging in preparation for a global catastrophe? Is your packaging designed to withstand nuclear blasts and alien attacks? Because if not, seventeen zip ties, eight strips of tape, a twisty, and enough plastic sheathing and wrapping to permanently clog a small Mississippi tributary for a single doll might be overkill.
To the manufacturer of my microwave: No one in the world needs the beeps anymore. We all know. If we are prone to forgetting whatever we stuck in there, your can-be-heard-by-the-neighbors, will-definitely-wake-the-baby beeping will not change this. Give us a way to turn that off.