How to Go to the Grocery Store With Toddlers


Photo by Nathália Rosa on Unsplash

First, do not attempt to brave the grocery store solo with toddlers.


· If this is unavoidable, arrive at grocery store. Understand that the day you choose to shop, everyone within a ten-mile radius will already be there. Park a mile and a half away.


· Realize that toddlers nearing the 25-pound mark each will not consent to be carried all the way to the store. Choose your own adventure. Do you: A) load the stroller, wheel to the store, transfer to toddler cart, return to vehicle dragging now empty stroller, return to store? B) run real fast to the store and return with toddler cart?


· While running, pray to any and all gods you choose you make it back before any well-meaning citizen busts your window out to save the children who have been in the vehicle all of 30 seconds.


· Load children into cart. Enter store. Realize you forgot both the diaper bag and list in the car. Wing it. And quickly, before someone poops.


· Spot old lady at produce section. To avoid unwanted baby questions and/or touching, do other shopping before grabbing bag of baby carrots.


· Remember the toddler cart has all the grace and finesse of a stoned arthritic elephant. Run into something with the distant corner at least sixteen times. Wonder who the hell gave you a license to operate vehicles 8 times the size of this god-forsaken toddler cart.


· Wander through store making babbling sounds in response to your children. Realize you sound like a lunatic. Decide this doesn’t matter because at least they aren’t screaming.


· Pretend you don’t smell the poop. Pretend you don’t know exactly which spiteful child did it, too. Shop faster.


· Return to dairy section three separate times because you left the list in the car.


· Return to produce section for carrots. Realize the same old lady is still standing there. Decide between the poop and the ticking time bombs still magically cooperating with the shopping experience you have to brave the old lady for the carrots.


· Succeed in carrot procurement. Proceed to check-out line. Understand that the moment you choose to attempt to pay for your groceries, every store patron will choose to do the same and beat you to it by seconds.


· Choose shortest line. Wait until all other lines are now three people deep to realize it was the shortest line for a reason. Know the checker must be deeply enjoying his private game of hangry toddler roulette.


· Head that hangry meltdown catastrophe off by shamelessly opening squeezie pouches from cart. Remember not to steal empty pouches when you finally get to the slowest checker in the Universe's scanner.


· Load groceries onto belt. Divert wandering hands from grabbing every item off the impulse buy shelves. Fail at least twice. Wipe drool from M&Ms package before returning to shelf.


· Succeed in checking out. Congratulate yourself for remembering to pay for the already consumed squeezies. Return to vehicle. Change both children in back hatch as they both managed to poop. But only because you did not bring the diaper bag inside. Load children then groceries.


· Decide you are that type of asshole today and abandon toddler cart in back of parking lot. Justify this by pushing it up to the divider curb so it does not obscure other crappy parking spot.


· Decide next time your significant other can grocery shop.

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